'Frisco Blog

Made it to San Francisco. Note to self – there is no place lonelier than an airport to spend a Saturday night by yourself. I’d like to say it’s no worse than my teenage years, but quite honestly my life was far more exciting back over than this.
Anyways, flying into ‘Frisco was interesting. From 10,000 feet, it was far flatter than I expected. (No Russ, I didn’t see Karl Mauldin) Of course, when you get lower, you get a better perspective of the topography. You see the hills and the streets, but even as you land, it’s difficult to see the hills that you’ve seen on TV and in movies.
It struck me that is a lot like helping others resolve their dispute. When you first get involved in walking along side them, you really have a superficial understanding of what is really going on. It is only by digging deeper – by using open ended questions and trying to get an understanding of where the individuals in conflict are at that you begin to see the topography of the conflict. But even that perspect remains limited. You are not walking in their shoes and you cannot possibly understand all the dynamics of their situation.
That is why the idea of helping them solve their own conflict is so powerful. Putting aside personal autonomy and the empowerment in their lives that you are creating by allowing them to solve their own problems, the reality is that you cannot truly understand their conflict better than they do. Certainly you may have a better perspective on it – you may be more detached and can see the topography with sufficient detachment to give them direction. But at the end of the day, they are the ones who are closest to what’s going on and your understanding as a mediator or conflict coach is going to be, at best, imperfect.
In a way, that’s the beauty of the dynamic. You provide the distance to be able to recognize the overall topography of the land while they see the ground up close. They’re driving the car but you are able to help them see some of the roadblocks they may face.